i miss you guys.  i'm nostalgic today.  out of touch with the non-hospital world.  anyone doing anything new?
any good books to read?

so i have a benign ganglion cyst and a tear of the meniscus.

i have to have knee surgery.  sucks.
at least it's not a tumor. (snot a tumahhh)

anyway, i worked 4 in a row and i slept all day.  today i spent senseless dollars at forever 21.  so much for
my "clothing with a conscience" phase.  for a while i was all about american apparel...i guess i'm supporting
the sweat shops once again by buying sinful forever21 garbage.  i figure the guy that owns american apparel
is a hopeless misogynist so which is worse to support?  skewed logic, perhaps but really--have you seen american 
apparels website and ad campaigns??  naked 13 year-old, pedophile/heroin-chic/abused girls all over that piece. 
gives me the jibblies.

i lurked on myspace yesterday (i don't have an account these days, but i peer at exes once and then).  anyway, it appears
this guy and this girl i once knew had a horrible breakup.  i didn't know this guy even HAD a girlfriend 4 years ago
when he cheated on her with me.  i wonder why they busted up...they were together for almost 5 years.  i hope he finally
told her that he slept with me.  but then again, if he slept with me he probably handed it out a lot.  they are total
silverlake trash anyway.  interesting tho, nonetheless.

i think i'll go watch some t.v.  maybe celebrity rehab is on.  or the OC.

miss you guys.

thanks for the good vibes, btw.

it all started about a year ago, after drinking/dancing/debauchery, i noticed my left knee was sore and swollen.  i did the usual--elevated it, took ibuprofen, didn't wear heels, etc.

it didn't get better.  i went to see my nurse practioner.  she gave me a prescription to get knee xrays.  i was in school, didn't have the time, the dough, excuses etc.

well, i enjoy the occasional run/hike/mountain bike excursion.  i noticed that this was not making my knee happy, in fact it was swollen and a mobile 'pea' size projection had appeared on the left lateral compartment of the proximal fibula head (where the joint articulates).

i still ignored it, wore a knee brace, chalked it up to years of dance and yoga.

i turned 29, was in san diego, walking on the beach.  my knee was excruciatingly painful.  to the point in which i was rendered partially immobile.  i decided something had to be done.

i attempted to make an appt with an orthopedic surgeon/sports medicine specialist.  unfortunately, i was stuck with having to go through the motions of electing an internal med doctor and waiting for an appt with her.  finally, i went to see her (she's a mayo doctor, mind you).  well, that day she had a coworker take a gander at my pea-knee and they thought it was some sort of strangely located cyst.  She ordered plain x-ray films.  the films were inconclusive.

fast forward to today.  this morning, as a followup i had a scheduled MRI at the clinic.  i was called by a radiology tech the night before to inform me that i should show up at 0815, not 0700, as i would not be needing to have an IV placed for contrast dye.

so i am brought into the MRI room.  half-extended into that loud, spooky tube that claustrophobes' nightmares are made of.  the exam goes on for 30 minutes.  i'm listening to headphones--mainly commercials on  The Edge while this is taking place.  after i thought we were wrapping it all up, the MRI tech pipes into my headphones, "the radiologist decided he wants you to have contrast."  

I feel anxious at this point.  contrast?  that part was canceled?  why?  what did they find?  

i attempt to be casual while the lady is injecting me with the dye, "i thought the doctor didn't want this, that i didn't need this," i nervously whimper.

"well, i scanned the images to the radiologist, he called and said he wanted the contrast to see if the tumor lights up on the film, that way we'll have a better idea as to what it consists of..." she nervously answered.

i get sent back into the tube, listening to Pearl Jam and the deafening banging of the giant magnet engrossing and dictating my prognosis....

it's over.  i am shaken up.  i phone my doctor's office, speak to one of the schedulers and she connects me to the nurse's result line to leave a message for my doc to call me with the results asap.

no word back.  now it's the weekend.

now i wait with worry and knee pain, hoping my worst fears will not be actualized.

Michelle's sorrow for Heath

Article from:

 AS the world mourns the loss of the prodigious talent of Heath Ledger, attention has turned to the sorrow of his former partner, Michelle Ingrid Williams.

Source: http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,23113951-5009160,00.html?from=mostpop

but i only have one more to do (tomorrow) and then i have a week in san diego to look forward to...cold, jacket at the beach nights.  ocean view.  i can't wait.  it'll be a nice place to collect my spinning thoughts.

i am taking a break, in about an hour the mad dash that occurs before and around change of shift will begin.  i probably should be getting up to pee, but instead i'm updating.  i always have had such fabulous time management skills.  

i got chocolate on my white pants.  have i told you guys i have to wear ALL WHITE SCRUBS at mayo?  ridICK.

okay, i gotta go help my patient pee.

so, when i was in london in march, i picked up a silly little book called, A Small Book of Grave Humor, edited by paul ross.

i purchased this book at the westminster abbey gift shop.  after seeing the tombstones of charles darwin, jane austen, charles dickens, newton, and mary queen of scots, i was in the mood for some funny gravestone reading...

here are a few of my favorites:

"Here lyeth
Sara Young
who went to sleep with 
Christ
6th jan. 1741.

Here lies 
poor Charlotte
Who died no harlot--
But in her Virginity
Of the age Ninteen
in  this vicinity
Rare to be found 
or seen

Erected to the Memory
of 
John McFarlane
Drown'd in the Water of Leith
By a few affectionate friends

To the Memory of
John Higgs
Pig Killer
Who died November 26th 1825
aged 55 years
Here Lies John Higgs
A famous man for killing Pigs
For killing Pigs was his delight
Both Morning afternoon & night.
Both heats & cold he did endure
Which no Physician could cure.
His knife is laid his work is done
I hope to heaven his Soul is gone
Also four sons of the above
who died in their infancy.

Here Lies
Lester Moore
Four Slugs
From a 44
No Les
No More"

i returned to phoenix and worked last night.  i slept all day.  unfortunately, i thought it was 11:30 in the morning when i woke up...i didn't realize i was 12 hours off.  my blackout curtains do their job a little too well.  the sun was already set when i got up.  i missed a whole day.  sleeping.  

supposedly there was a work halloween party tonight.  some lady that works days was having a costume party.  needless to say, i didn't go.  not only did i sleep in, i would have chosen to stay home had i been awake.  i don't have a costume, i don't drink, and i hate work gatherings.  something about seeing my coworkers in slutty nurse costumes and drinking vodka and diet doesn't appeal to me.  i feel like i would have been lingering in the fringe anyway, as i'm too mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted to put my best painted face forward.

jake's dad is back at his ranch in stanfield.  jake is staying with him this weekend to tend to the horses and the pack of lost desert dogs that his father has acquired over the past few years.  his dad is a stubborn old cowboy.  i'm glad that the stroke was in a place that didn't leave him aphasic or paralyzed.  he dodged fate by stroke twice so far.  jake and i fought with the doctor's at the VA to the point in which we were both disgusted  and astounded by the utter lack of care and disregard towards his father.  luckily, after much prompting, annoying, and begging, we got his fauther on 'blood thinners' for his atrial fibrillation and a new medical regimen that in theory should prevent future strokes.  i feel so badly for people that don't have an advocate fighting for them while they are hospitalized.  especially if a person is relying on a broken and crooked system, like the one we offer our vets.

tomorrow i'll clean.  tonight, what's left of it, i hope to sleep.

thanks for your well wishes.  i think they helped.